praying for popcorn

I lost my first child at work a few weeks back.

You all know that I cannot give too much info, but I'll say what I can.

This 2-year old little girl was precious.

She had deep blue eyes that danced when she talked

She was a daddy's girl through and through

She cuddled with her blood pressure cuff like it was a blanket.

She always kept a bag of supplies right by her side so she could "help the nurses"

She dressed up as blueberry short cake for Halloween (the cutest one you'd ever see)

She loved her wagon rides

She absolutely lived for popcorn
She adored her litte baby doll named Ruby

Her laughter was contagious

Her hugs brightened our world

and she won over the hearts of each and every person on the unit.

{image credit}

When I received the news that the cancer was just too strong and they withdrew care, I dropped to my knees and prayed that Jesus would be waiting at the gates of heaven to welcome her with a big hug and mountain of popcorn. I prayed that her parents would find rest in knowing that her suffering was over and that she was in her Daddy's arms. I don't know that any prayer in my life has ever been more desperate. I didn't know what else to do.

My heart felt like it was choking.

And sometimes it still does.

I'm learning how to process and reconcile the suffering I see on a daily basis.

Let me tell you, it's been a roller coaster of emotions.

And just when you think you've processed through something as tragic as a child's passing,

 this song by Audrey Assad comes up on your spotify playlist. 

Look at all the angels watching you

They’re singing songs that we have never heard

Their voices ring like bells over the mountains

Oh, if only we could hear their words

God is near, little girl.

Your eyes are brilliant, deep sky blue.

Your quiet wisdom is an evening song.

The angels must be breathless at your beauty

Like the world catches its breath before the dawn.

God is near, little one.

And Jesus bends to hear you breathe;

His tender hands are holding you tonight.

His heart is ravished when you look at Him,

and oh, the endless mercy in His eyes;

God is here, little light.


And these lyrics begin to sink into your mind and you just lose it.
Right there in your car, on the way to the grocery store.
And then God reminds you that you don't get to decide when you're healed.

But, praise Jesus for being in the process of healing this heart.
Because I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to patch up this hurt without him.
 I cannot even bear to think of walking through things in life like this without His presence... without His hope and peace.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3