i have emotions.

Let me repeat that (for my sake)... I. Have. Emotions.

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During my freshman year of college I was part of a Bible study that spent a whole semester talking about what it means to be a Godly woman. As part of that, we had a lot of conversation about dealing with emotions (us women tend to have a lot of them). I vividly remember telling the group that I didn't relate much with the "emotional craziness" talk. By nature I'm pretty easy going and don't have a whole lot of ups and downs. 

I was pretty much convinced that I was just not an emotional being. 

Since then, I've walked through two different seasons that have completely shattered that illusion:

(1) The 5 months I spent in Africa + the months following my return home

(2) My post-graduate move to Raleigh, North Carolina

Holy guacamole, there have been so many ups and downs in the 5 months that I've been in NC. I've been on an emotional roller coaster like no other time in my life. The highs have been really high and the lows have been really low. My previously-emotionless self likes to try to convince me that this bucketful of emotions is a bad thing. But I'm growing into my new skin as an emotional being.

That's right.

I have emotions.

Good ones.

Bad ones.

+ all the other ones in between.

And you know what? It's ok! Even when I have days where I'm down and the clouds don't seem to lift, it's ok! These ups and downs are part of life. And God created us to feel things deeply. In the past I think it's been my inclination to run from any emotion that doesn't feel good or comfortable. In this season, though, my feelings have been so real and in my face that I've had no option but to attend to them. To wrestle with them and figure out what they're pointing to in my heart.

I have days where I feel very sure of my life and the direction that it's headed. Days where I'm excited about what's going on and expectantly dream big things for the future. But there are also days where I feel lost and unsettled and alone. Days where my head spins, and I question, "What in the world am I doing with my life?" and "Where and I headed?" and " Who am I supposed to be?" And all too often that questioning is a slippery slope to discontentment and doubting God's goodness. Sometimes I feel like I'm having the identity crisis I was supposed to have as a teenager. Is there anything that is real about me? Am I a late bloomer? Am I totally nutty? Or is this all just part of growing up and God's refining process? 

I don't have answers to those things. But I'm realizing something. It's okay! (I've said that a lot today, haven't I?). It's okay that I have zero idea who I am or where my life is going. Because God does. He knows me better than I know myself and can see every last detail of this earthly life (past. present. future). God is real... He's the realest thing about me. God is good... surely He is the highest good in me. Nix that, He is the ONLY good in me. He holds my world in His hands and has big plans for me, even though I can't see them just yet. And that, folks, is enough for me. 

I'm learning to cling to Christ through the crazies. When everything around me is confusing and uncertain, He is the anchor for my soul. Yes, there are days that are so awkward and uncomfortable that I just want to climb out of my skin, but Hallelujah, that means that I am a living and breathing human being. That means that God is not through with me yet - he's still forming me into the woman He dreams of me becoming. And I just don't think that can happen without a few ups and downs.

So, praise God for emotions!

May we all learn to stand on His promises when the emotional tides rage.

May we bring our insecurities to Him and believe that He is bigger than the things we feel.

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