i shall use my time

{via}

"Don't get too close..."

"Be careful, they'll break your heart..."

"You're going to burn out if you invest too much..."

"Keep your distance with the kids and their families..."

"You've got to maintain strictly professional relationships"

"Trust me, it'll be for your good if you can leave work unaffected."

These cautionary words of advice from older nurses have been repeated over and over in the 5 months that I've been at my job. While I completely understand where they are coming from and value their experience, I must respectfully disagree.  I mean, in the eyes of the world their counsel carries a lot of wisdom. It's a risky thing to invest in others. You are no longer in control. Something outside of yourself has a pull on your emotions - on your heart. I can see why it would be much easier to do your time and separate yourself from the reality of the heartache you encounter. It would certainly take much less of a personal toll to stay detached. 

Still yet, the pulse behind these words doesn't jive with my heart. I have learned that I just cannot operate that way. I cannot go to work, clock in and care for people walking through literal shadows of death, then proceed to clock out and walk away as if I'm resistant to their tragedies. I simply cannot help but get attached to these kids and their families.

I want my patients to know that I care.

I want them to know that I'm not removed from their suffering.

I want them to know that I feel the weight of their grief.

I want them to freely share their burdens with me.

And I want to point them to the One whose hope can brighten the darkest of times.

I know that every person has to find their own way to cope with the stress of this job, and in no way am I writing this to bash on my coworkers... I'm not claiming to have it all figured out, but I am learning that the, "Don't get too close" approach is not the path for me. It's taken me awhile to yield to that, but I've decided I'd rather burn out in 6 months and love my patients in the only way I know how, than to stay at this job for 30 years manufacturing displays of affection while staying completely withdrawn emotionally.

I understand this is the harder option. Yet I'm resolved to this course.

I'm choosing to look mothers in the eye & tell them that my heart bleeds for them.

I'm choosing to hold onto hope even when things seem bleak.

I'm choosing to show my weakness and shed my tears.

I'm choosing to love these children until it hurts.

I'm choosing to leave work with bruises and scars.

Because I believe that is the call on my life; this is what Christ's love has compelled me to. I'm learning that it takes a lot of trust, because I never feel strong enough. I have to depend on His love to fill me back up when I am drained empty. I have to count on His mercy to flow through these ordinary hands when all I want to do is throw them in the air and give up. Sure, there are plenty of times where this melancholy soul feels crushed with grief, but I've met God intimately in those moments and am surely richer for it. 

At the end of my time at this job (whenever that may be),

I want to be close with those I encountered,

I want to be heartbroken,

and I want to be spent.

God, use my time for your name and for your glory.