Unpacking

One year ago today I started a new adventure here in North Carolina.

One whole year, folks.
Goodness gracious.

I suppose like much of life, the past year has felt like one big time warp... Somehow the days/weeks/months seemed to crawl and fly by all at the same time. As much as I'm struggling to get my head around how that time has already come and gone, my mind is even more tangled in trying to make sense of all this year has held and meant. It has been hard, and confusing and so different from what I envisioned.

But, let's be honest here... I had some crazy-high expectations.

The spring before I graduated from college, I digested a whole slew of books that helped to plant big dreams and amp up my already-idealistic self. It all started when a copy of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (by Donald Miller) was placed into my hands - I read it in a single sitting - it left me challenged to live each day with intention and to write a good story with my life. Then came Radical (by David Platt) - this book messed with me big time - it challenged me to take big steps of faith and to radically obey Jesus. After that, I picked up The Hole in Our Gospel (by Richard Stearns), which pretty much convinced me to commit to a life of poverty so I could go do big things and change the world. The Irrisistible Revolution (by Shane Claiborne) came along and sparked an even greater interest in living an authentic faith that was rooted in love and extended to a hurting world. And surely I cannot neglect the go-to graduation gift, Oh, the Places You'll Go (by Dr. Seuss) - "You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting! So... get on your way!"

With the exception of the last mentioned (despite what Hallmark tells you, college grads don't want 4 copies of that book. Don't do it), I would strongly recommend reading each and every one of the books I listed. They are well-written and inspiring. Do hard things! Be radical! Change the world! Make your mark! Live on purpose! Do big things! Tackle that mountain! My rapid consumption of this material was like one big pep talk. Without any buffer or bigger perspective, though, it communicated something dangerous to my young heart: if it's not big and courageous, it's not good enough.

With all of that in mind, I walked across that stage in my cap and gown, and a few short weeks later moved across the country. You know, to do a "big thing." I was going to go love on kids with cancer and serve their families and change the world. Oh, and on the side I was going to run a marathon, make a lot of awesome friends, travel every month, go on mission trips, memorize entire books of the Bible, pray for an hour a day, serve at my church, bake 50 batches of cookies, blog 5 days a week (clearly, I tanked at that one), maintain each and every relationship back home, and "broaden my interests/hobbies." (Think I'm exaggerating my expectations? I have 11 pages in my journal detailing/planning all of these goals. 11 pages, for crying out loud!)

Things seemed to be going pretty great for a little while, but as the newness of this whole thing started to wear off, so did the "bigness." The day-to-day started to feel so ordinary, so small. I remember thinking, "If one more kid pukes on me, I am going to lose my mind. When did I go from changing the world to changing endless diapers?" On top of that, the day-to-day started to get really tough. As much as I've loved my job, it's been one of the hardest things I have ever done. The pace is exhausting, the demands are insanely high, and the emotional toll is even higher.  Watching kids fight for their lives (and often losing that fight) has felt impossibly difficult to reconcile at times.

One morning I distinctly remember waking up and thinking, "Man, this is not the life I intended to lead when this whole thing began." Work has not been the only difficult thing - friendships have been hard to come by and slow to grow. My energy has often felt entirely zapped. And there have just not been enough hours in my days or money in my bank account to accomplish all of the goals on that list. I revisited that ridiculous list of goals about 5 months into this year and felt like it was taunting me, reminding me of what a failure I was, how I wasn't measuring up. 

I became completely disenchanted with all of the ideas that had intoxicated me just months earlier - no more changing the world, no more tackling mountains, no more radical anything. I grew weary of trying to do big things for God. I hated feeling like I was a screw up. I hated feeling like my days were insignificant. The big life I had planned for myself seemed pretty great. But it wasn't the life I was living and I didn't understand why. And I certainly didn't understand where God was in all of it.

I walked in that dizzying tension for months. I don't know if my quarter-life crisis hit a couple years early, or if all of this is normal in fresh post-college life, but it was incredibly unsettling and terrifying. I started to question everything about myself, about my life - picking it apart to the smallest detail. Sometimes I felt like I woke up a different person on each and every one of the past 365 days, and I honestly still feel a little confused about which one (if any) is the real me.

God has been so patient and gracious to me through it all. He's brought so many things across my path to gently teach me that - though it is wonderful to be zealous and seek to radically obey him - there aren't actually big things. I know this sounds super cliche, but as Mother Teresa is oft quoted, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." God is slowly teaching me what it that looks like to be faithful in the small - maybe impacting the world really does look like changing diapers and being puked on. Maybe the most audacious thing I can do is continue to show up. It's not glamorous or sexy, but praise God for taking our small acts of obedience and turing them into something beautiful. The pressure is off my shoulders. I can let God be God, for in him is the only hope the world will ever have for change. I tried being the hero, and I was real bad at it. How silly of me to think it was my job.

Please hear me in this, I haven't forgotten my passions or set aside all those dreams. I still have that ache deep inside for my life to count for something great. I want to do wild and wonderful things. The important piece I failed to see as a new college grad was this: "The usefulness of my life is God's concern, not mine." My responsibility is not to go out and change the world. My responsibility is to be faithful in what He's given me today. The eternal call on my life is not to a person, a place or any one thing on this earth, but rather to an increasingly deeper relationship with Jesus. Throughout my life there will surely be a number of different circumstances that follow as an expression of that call, but my concern is to be a lover and follower of Christ. 

This year has been a tough one. The progress in my life has been slow and hard, but I can feel God chiseling away, making me to be more of the woman I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I still feel like a mystery to myself, but I'm learning that's okay. Even when I feel like I don't know who I am, God does - and that's enough. Sometimes I still feel super anxious about the life I'm living.  I still struggle with wanting to tackle that big proverbial mountain I had planned for myself. And I'm still trying to figure out the balance between seeking a great story and hanging in there when life feels monotonous.  Little by little, though, I'm learning to lean into this bigger reality: the life that I'm living is the right one for me because God's got me - and He's got you too - in ways that we cannot even wrap our little brains around. In Romans 8, we're told that God is working all things for our good and His glory. I'm learning to rest in that - to trust that He knows what He's doing. 

So... what does life look like from here? Well, I just signed another year lease here in NC. I'm still enjoying my job and feel like I want to give it another year (at least). Beyond that, I have ZERO idea of what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll be here, maybe I won't. But I do know that today there are two little kiddos that will be entrusted to my care - and I want to give them all the love and courage I can - even if that means getting puked on for the thousandth time. This is my life - my crazy, messy, beautiful life. My prayer is that God would take it and write a bigger story than I could ever conjure up myself. The beautiful thing is, it rests in His hands - His capable and loving hands.

“All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me… If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If He wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is His concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that.” ~ Brother Dominique Voillaume (quoted by Brennan Manning, All is Grace).