there are times // constantly

I just finished a string of 7 shifts in a row... Now, I suppose 60 hours is nothing to complain about, but this week has taken a toll on me emotionally. There have been a lot of tough things throughout the summer, but this week was just more intense. I have to be careful about what I share in order to respect the privacy and dignity of the people I'm working with. But I can tell you what's been going on with me. As hard as it is for me to put into words, I'll give it a go. Each day is unique and completely different, so I'll try to give you snippets of what I'm experiencing...

There are times when I cannot get a certain patient out of my head... for whatever reason their story grabs a hold of me and won't let go.

There are times when this all feels too big and too heavy for my little heart... when things seem impossibly difficult and I just cannot seem to make sense of it all.

There are times when I think it would be easier to just check out, or to be numb. But I'm reminded over and over that that's not the kind of love I'm called to as a follower of Christ.

There are times when God has flattened me and my judgmental self.

There are times when I am so incredibly humbled by what I see and hear and experience.

There are times when I get to witness raw and beautiful faith.

There are times when I'm real weepy... like this whole week, for instance.

There are times when I see my Jesus in the faces/hearts in my patients.
God says He is close to the brokenhearted (and that's something I see every day).

There are times when I laugh until my face hurts.

There are times when I am full of hope, and other times it's harder to find (though it's always there... always).

There are times when something "clicks" with a patient - they come to a new level of understanding, make a big breakthrough, or experience healing - and all I want to do is throw my arms around them and yell, "Woohoo!"
{that, of course, would be incredibly inappropriate, so I do an abridged internal version of that! haha}

I am constantly reminded that this is a broken and fallen world...

I am constantly faced with situations and conversations that make me a little uncomfortable (if I'm honest).

I am constantly broken by the sight of tattered limbs, marred by cuts and burns...

I am constantly feeling challenged and pushed to deeper levels of faith and love.

I am constantly surprised by joy in unexpected places.

I am constantly learning new things... soaking it up like a sponge.

I am constantly questioning:
"Do I really love people, or do I just love people who are easy to love?"
"In the face of some of the darkest places, Do I really believe that each person bears the image of my creator?"
"Do I really believe what Jesus said on the Sermon on the Mount, 'Blessed are the poor in spirit.'?"

I am constantly being reminded that,
"when I feel powerless, God is all-powerful,
when I don't know what to do, God is all-knowing,
when things feel out of control, God is sovereign,
when I have patients that seem beyond healing, God is the great and ultimate physician,
and nothing is impossible for him..."
{in the words of my dear friend shannon, from a recent letter}

I am constantly praying that God will restore his goodness to the lives of the people I'm working with and that He uses this summer to make me more like Jesus.

I am constantly witnessing how a little light shines so incredibly brightly in a dark place.

I am constantly reminded that I cannot do this on my own...

alright, friends, I hope you have a better sense for what life looks like for me right now. even on the hardest of days, things are good. a big thanks to all of you who have been praying for me along the way... it's truly been my lifeblood.