a letter to my 20-year old self

It's always interesting to go back and read old things I've written. Back in 2008, when this blog was just brand new, I wrote this post. And three years later, this is my response...

Dear Jarah,
   
I know you don't believe me, but the next handful of years are going to fly by. Soon enough you'll be finished with nursing school (hallelujah) and will be living on the other side of the country working as a nurse. I know you're worried about what it's going to be like to have to work instead of spending Christmas with your family. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it'll be easy. It's going to be hard. You're going to miss them so much that you physically feel it. You'll spend Christmas day working your tail off, and falling into bed by yourself at 8:30 with a cup of tea and a book. But hear me now... I'm telling you to do it anyway. Somehow through it all, God is going to use your experience to help you understand Christmas more than you ever have before. 
  
You see, Jesus was born into this world so He could enter our suffering, share our pain, and bear our sin. We have a High Priest who is able to sympathize with the heartache and scars of this world. He came for us. He came to save. Through His life, death and resurrection, He won the victory over this world. As you work with little ones and their families who are well-acquainted with grief and sorrow, remember that the message of Christmas is for them. They are not alone. They have a Savior who came to bring them victory and make all things new. And His heart bleeds for them. Just when you're about to throw yourself a pity party, remember that you have been called to be an agent of this hope. You have been given the gift of serving them and easing their burden.
  
Maybe as you gain some seniority, you'll be able to spend Christmas with your family again, but for the first few years as a baby nurse, this is your portion. My encouragement to you... enjoy it. Look for God's hand in it. Surely you will see His light in the dark places.


Love,
Well, you know who

{via}

Merry Christmas!

“He became what we are (sinful human flesh) that He might make us what He is (an eternal son of God).” 

- Athanasius (African theologian)

Reason #8

reason #8 why being a pediatric nurse is awesome...

Sometimes during night shift, you have extra time to make posters for your patients to celebrate milestones in their transplant process (this one is for engraftment). I made this for one of my sweet patients who LOVES sonic... ever since I posted this on his door he calls me, "Miss Sonic." Who knew that being a nurse would also include being a part time cheerleader/crafter?

comparison

"Comparison is the thief of joy." I first heard this quote in college (wow, I felt really old writing that just now). I remember tucking it away in my mind, recognizing that there was a lot of wisdom in those words, but I didn't think much of it at the time.

{via}

It has taken me a couple of months to see it, but in this post-college season of life comparison has been a much bigger struggle for me. The internal dialogue looks something like this:

...So-and-so is engaged. I kind of wish I was in a relationship...

...So-and-so got to stay in Salt Lake City. I kind of wish I had all the comforts of home at my fingertips...

...So-and-so is working for an amazing ministry. I kind of wish I was able to put my efforts towards a job like that...

... So-and-so is traveling around the world. I kind of wish I was out living an awesome adventure like that...

... So-and-so is in graduate school. I kind of wish I wasn't in the "real world" yet...

The list can go on and on... I was sharing this struggle with comparison while talking with a friend during a recent phone conversation. She stopped me and said, "What?! You think that MY situation is somehow better just because I'm getting married? I was thinking the same thing about you because you have an awesome job. Oh man, what I wouldn't give to be doing what you're doing." After we got off the phone I couldn't help but laugh a little bit to myself at how short-sided and immature I can be. 

 Here's the thing, up until you graduate from college, life generally looks pretty similar to those around you. I mean, you go to kindergarten, then elementary school, then middle school, then high school, and finally college. During those years you may be into different things, but life pretty much looks the same as those around you. You are directed and lead, and only have to be faithful to the things assigned to you. After college, though? Well, that looks drastically different for just about everybody. As college grads, we can no longer look to the person on either side of us to tell us if we're meeting some sort of status quo. We are now bearing the burden of our lives on our own shoulders, no one is there telling us what to do or how to spend our days. This is a transient stage in life and there's not necessarily a "right" way to go about it, but it seems like everyone else has something vital that we're missing, right?!

The tendency I'm starting to see in myself and other twenty somethings is this: we recognize something that we're lacking, we then take that thing and fixate on it, because we're sure that if we can acquire that thing, then (and only then) we would be okay. I've caught myself doing this on multiple occasions in the past few months - I look around and see what others have and I don't, then I assume that one thing is going to bring security and fulfillment and joy to my life... That somehow it will save me. But that's all a lie. A complete and total lie. Oh, how comparison can steal our joy! I've had to continually remind myself that security and fulfillment and life are found solely in relationship with Christ. And that he alone can save us from the gnawing sense of insufficiency inside of ourselves.

He is our only hope.

Not a job.

Not a husband/wife.

Not a big adventure.

Not money.

Not family.

Nothing.

The lesson I'm learning is this: God's "yes" is as good as his "no." In his grace, He has said "yes" by providing me with a great job and an awesome new adventure. In His grace, He has also said "no"in my singleness and by putting me in a place that's far from the comforts of home. Every single thing in my current life situation has been ordained by my kind and loving Father for my good. And that's true for each and every one of you too. His "yes" and "no" likely look different for you, but they are saturated in grace nonetheless. The Bible says that every detail of our lives, every single day has been appointed by God and that He holds all things together by the power of His word. He is in control and He is working FOR. OUR. GOOD. When will we get that through our heads and learn to trust?

My prayer today is that we would guard ourselves from the pitfall of comparison. That we'd learn to see God's goodness and grace in the "yeses" and the "nos" - both in our lives and in the lives of those around us. God, teach us contentment. Teach us to trust your faithfulness. May we find security and fulfillment and life in you.

praying for popcorn

I lost my first child at work a few weeks back.

You all know that I cannot give too much info, but I'll say what I can.

This 2-year old little girl was precious.

She had deep blue eyes that danced when she talked

She was a daddy's girl through and through

She cuddled with her blood pressure cuff like it was a blanket.

She always kept a bag of supplies right by her side so she could "help the nurses"

She dressed up as blueberry short cake for Halloween (the cutest one you'd ever see)

She loved her wagon rides

She absolutely lived for popcorn
She adored her litte baby doll named Ruby

Her laughter was contagious

Her hugs brightened our world

and she won over the hearts of each and every person on the unit.

{image credit}

When I received the news that the cancer was just too strong and they withdrew care, I dropped to my knees and prayed that Jesus would be waiting at the gates of heaven to welcome her with a big hug and mountain of popcorn. I prayed that her parents would find rest in knowing that her suffering was over and that she was in her Daddy's arms. I don't know that any prayer in my life has ever been more desperate. I didn't know what else to do.

My heart felt like it was choking.

And sometimes it still does.

I'm learning how to process and reconcile the suffering I see on a daily basis.

Let me tell you, it's been a roller coaster of emotions.

And just when you think you've processed through something as tragic as a child's passing,

 this song by Audrey Assad comes up on your spotify playlist. 

Look at all the angels watching you

They’re singing songs that we have never heard

Their voices ring like bells over the mountains

Oh, if only we could hear their words

God is near, little girl.

Your eyes are brilliant, deep sky blue.

Your quiet wisdom is an evening song.

The angels must be breathless at your beauty

Like the world catches its breath before the dawn.

God is near, little one.

And Jesus bends to hear you breathe;

His tender hands are holding you tonight.

His heart is ravished when you look at Him,

and oh, the endless mercy in His eyes;

God is here, little light.


And these lyrics begin to sink into your mind and you just lose it.
Right there in your car, on the way to the grocery store.
And then God reminds you that you don't get to decide when you're healed.

But, praise Jesus for being in the process of healing this heart.
Because I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to patch up this hurt without him.
 I cannot even bear to think of walking through things in life like this without His presence... without His hope and peace.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

Good Words

 {via}

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May today there be peace within.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and

allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of you.

~ St. Teresa of Avila

How blessed

I'm powering through the Old Testament right now

and, let me tell you, there are some rich passages in those books.

I read Deuteronomy 33 this morning and thought I'd share.

Enjoy these words. May they take root in your heart.

There is no one like the God of Israel.

He rides across the heavens to help you,

across the skies in majestic splendor.

The eternal God is your refuge,

and his everlasting arms are under you.

He drives out the enemy before you;

he cries out, ‘Destroy them!’

So Israel will live in safety,

prosperous Jacob in security,

in a land of grain and new wine,

while the heavens drop down dew.

How blessed you are, O Israel!

Who else is like you, a people saved by the Lord?

He is your protecting shield

and your triumphant sword!

Your enemies will cringe before you,

and you will stomp on their backs!

{Deuteronomy 33:26-29}

Image Credit