I've made no attempt to hide the fact that this post-grad season has been incredibly difficult for me. For those of you who are new to this blog of mine, just a few short weeks after graduating from college, I picked up my life and moved over 2,000 miles away from everything I knew, everything that was comfortable and safe.
College student to young professional.
Well connected to freshly transplanted.
Knowing a city like the back of my hand to getting lost every time I got in my car.
Part-time tutor to full-time Registered Nurse.
Living with roommates in genuine community to living with complete strangers.
Belonging to a religious minority to finding myself in the majority.
Minimal financial responsibility to financial independence.
Having family close at hand to deep loneliness.
Sweet friendships to complete anonymity.
You get the picture - a whirlwind of change all at once.
In that time where everything was spinning with uncertainty, it is very telling to look at the things I ran to in hopes of finding security and comfort. My heart began pumping out idols like a factory: food, sleep, money, stuff, the approval of others, my identity as a nurse (etc... etc...). I ran to just about everything but God in an attempt to piece my new life together. And in no time at all, I felt like my life was falling apart.
Recently, my pastor preached through the book of Jonah (puh-lease go listen to the sermon series here). For those of you who did not grow up learning about Jonah on a felt storyboard like I did, he was a man that disobeyed God and found himself in quite the predicament (including being trapped in the belly of a big fish). In one sermon, J.D. said that Jonah's time in the belly was not a chamber of death; It was a temporary hospital for his soul. It helped him to wake up to his sin. And you know, I think that is why God brought me to NC: to put me in the belly of the fish.
For weeks - maybe even months - after moving to NC, my heart felt dull, my energy was zapped and my emotions were giving me whiplash. God allowed me to wallow in the muck for a little bit, to become well acquainted with my own brokenness, to be "in the belly" and to feel the despair of life apart from Him. But make no mistake, during all that time He was pursuing my heart relentlessly. He used those first few months to wake me up. To break me of my self-reliance. To strip me of my sin/idols and put me in a place where I found him to be my only hope and my only source of joy. And since then He has shown me that what I'm looking for in life cannot be found in another person, in any physical thing, in a situation, a job, or an emotion. What I'm looking for is found in the love of Christ alone. You see, I think I knew that in my head before all of this went down, but after walking through this time, I can say those words and really mean them. They taste different on my lips.
This season has been so much harder than I ever envisioned. There have been days where all I wanted to do was pack up my car and head home... to run away from the awkwardness. Like most idealistic college graduates, I came here pretty much convinced that God had placed me in this job so that I could attend to the brokenness in this world. I was going to get in a change lives, darn it (sorry, that's the Utah girl coming out in me). What I neglected to see then was that I was (and still am) part of that brokenness. I've come to see that this move is not as much about the job as I originally thought. So far, it's been about God growing me up. It's been about God working to accomplish His purposes in me - He is still untangling this mess, restoring it and making it whole & new. It's crazy how often we look at changing the world without even the slightest thought to the change needed in our own hearts.
I feel like I'm through the thick of a lot of this by now and am starting to feel more settled (praise Jesus). More than that, I'm actually really beginning to enjoy my life in RDU. These things have been floating around in my mind for a long time now. It's taken awhile to get past the raw emotions, but on this Leap Day I just knew it was time to muster up some bravery and put my experience into words. Somehow putting a name to it all makes it feel more real - which is both refreshing and terrifying. Looking back on all of this, I am so humbled by this Savior of mine who walks with me through life. If I've learned one thing during this season - this hospital for the soul - it's that I certainly cannot go about my days without him.
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