First, let me start off by saying that I don't really have a clear direction in mind as I sit down to write this post. All I know is that my writing has been a little sparse lately. Sorry about that. Well, it has been about a month and a half since I packed up my car and headed out for a new adventure on the East Coast (can you believe that? where, oh, where does the time go?). I can honestly say that I am just beginning to feel like myself again. I've spent the past number of weeks feeling incredibly overwhelmed and out-of-sorts. My head has been foggy with all of the changes that have taken place in nearly every part of my life. It has taken a lot of adjusting and it has been tough. Really tough. But really great too.
During my college years I left home a number of times for various adventures (working at summer camp, 6 months in Africa, interning in Minnesota, etc). Getting used to new places kind of became a norm, and though it came with challenges, the adjustment never seemed to be too difficult. This experience has proved to be entirely different. I recognize a big part of that can be attributed to the fact that every time I left previously, it was for a set period of time and was highly organized/programmed. This time I have moved my entire life to a new place, without any specific network of people or a known ending date. There is no one here telling me where to be or who to interact with or where I'll spend my time. It's just little ole me... in a big ole city... with a whole lot to figure out about life.
I've found myself growing impatient with the process of settling into a new place, a new life. The changes in my world came at me like a speeding bullet as I transplanted to NC, but the pace of change within me, in my heart and way of life, seems to be moving at a snail speed. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that that's how it's supposed to be. Life takes work... a lot of it. My momma continues to remind me (almost daily) that "these things take time," and that I'm "not supposed to have it all figured out right now." I guess my expectations can be a little unrealistic. The things that I desire - genuine community, deep friendships, missional lifestyle, spiritual discipline, healthy habits, personal & professional growth, maturity, well-roundedness, ever-deeper union with Christ, expanded abilities & hobbies, travel & adventure - well, they just take time. And they are all wonderful things that are worth spending a life on. That's right, a whole life. There are no short cuts or accelerated paths.
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So, I guess I'm learning to give myself some grace. Right now the growth and change in my life involves learning how to sleep during the day, work insanely long hours, drive without getting completely lost, keep up with old friendships while making new ones, and love on terminally ill kiddos. Certainly that's more than enough to fill one's plate. And by God's grace, that is the portion I've been given right now.
Moving 2,300 miles from home is surely a fresh start of sorts. I guess somewhere deep down I thought that moving would jumpstart some radical change in me. That may prove to be true in some respects, but the same struggles and sins and weaknesses that I had at home did not get left behind or sold at a yard sale. Much to my dismay, I'm a still well-acquainted with those things. I recently tripped across a quote by M. Henry that says, "It is seldom that changing our place is mending it." Oh, the wisdom in those words... The beautiful thing is, God doesn't expect me to have it all figured out... He just asks that I walk with Him through all the crazy twist and turns in this life. He is the only one that can truly bring about any lasting change on this earth and in this heart. And I know that he will bring about changes in me... in His time.
I guess change is slow sometimes. And that's okay. Praise God for the journey. I am so glad I don't have to take it alone.
"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." - John 15:5 (Message)
