taking a risk...

via

In December of last year I was talking with my parents and told them that I was going to limit my job search to hospitals in Salt Lake City. They were excited and I genuinely thought that was the route I was going to take. But as I walked through my last semester of school this spring, my heart began to change. My desires began to shift toward pursuing the job hunt out of state, so I began applying to hospitals all over the country. I decided not to let my fears stop me, so I applied to places that I never dreamed of getting into... one of those places was Duke. After months of waiting, I finally heard back from them and went out to interview in the middle of May. Just last Thursday I received the news that...
I got the job on the pediatric bone marrow transplant unit!
(a.k.a. dream job)

So, folks, I am picking up my life and moving 2,000 miles across the country to Raleigh, North Carolina. There are still a lot of unknowns and a lot of tough things in the months ahead (oh, I'm dreading the goodbyes). It may not make the most sense on a pro/con list, but I don't really believe that life should be lived by human logic or a pro-con list. During my interview I had an immediate peace that Duke was where I was supposed to be and God opened the door, so I'm going (even if I don't have all the answers).

It's time to take a risk and I could not be more excited!

the day that true love died

The Precious Blood
{a Puritan prayer from The Valley of Vision}

Before thy cross I kneel and see
the heinousness of my sin,
my iniquity that caused thee to be
'made a curse',
the evil that excites the severity
of divine wrath.
Show me the enormity of my guilt by
the crown of thorns,
the pierced hands and feet,
the bruised body,
the dying cries.
Thy blood is the blood of incarnate God,
its worth infinite, its value beyond all thought.
Infinite must be the evil and the guilt
that demands such a price.
Sin is my malady, my monster, my foe, my viper,
born in my birth,
alive in my life,
strong in my character,
dominating my faculties,
following me as a shadow,
intermingling with my every thought,
my chain that hold me captive in the
empire of my soul.
Sinner that I am, why should the sun give me light,
the air supply breath,
the earth bear my tread,
its fruits nourish me,
its creatures subserve my ends?
Yet thy compassions yearn over me,
thy heart hastens to my rescue,,
thy love endured my curse,
thy mercy bore my deserved stripes.
Let me walk humbly in the lowest depths
of humiliation,
bathed in thy blood,
tender of conscience,
triumphing gloriously as an heir of salvation.

{via}

Today is Good Friday... the day that Christ was broken and bruised on our behalf. The day that God waged the wrath for all our sin upon the soul of his beloved son. Somehow this day seems to be glazed over a bit in our modern Christian culture, but the reality is that the hope and resurrection of Easter would not exist without the messiness and heart break of the cross. May we allow the weight of this day to impress upon our hearts and stir our affections toward Christ.

{If you get a chance, listen to this song... the lyrics speak so loudly to the beauty of this day!}

p.s. sorry for all the phil wickham pictures... it was either that or a video with a bunch of images of swedish Jesus (which is a rant that i'll save for another day). trust me, this was the better choice.

Lent (part 7)

{via}

Hello everybody! Today is last post in the little mini-series I've been writing during this Lenten season. I have really enjoyed reading through this amazing book and hope it's been an encouragement to you as I've shared some of the highlights along the way. Jesus' life, death and resurrection are so much bigger than any human writing can capture, but this book has certainly grown a deep awe in my heart for the significance of the cross. Jesus' death secured life for us... My prayer for you and for me is that we would experience that. Not only after this life, but in this life - in our ordinary waking working lives - may we experience the abundance and joy that is found in union with our Redeemer. And now, I give you the last handful of reasons why:

Christ suffered & died...

To Disarm the Rulers and Authorities (Colossians 2:14-15, 1 John 3:8) - "Oh, how bold and free we should be in this world as we seek to serve Christ and love people! There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Let us then turn away from the temptations of the devil. His promises are lies, and his power is stripped."

To Unleash the Power of God in the Gospel (1 Corinthians 1:18, Romans 1:16) - "We must see [the death of Christ] as true and good before we can believe it."

To Destory the Hostility Between Races (Ephesians 2:14-16) - "By his death on the cross, something cosmic, not parochial, was accomplished. God and man were reconciled. Only as the races find and enjoy this will they love and enjoy each other forever. In overcoming our alienation from God, Christ overcomes it between races."

To Ransom People from Every Tribe and Language and People and Nation (Revelation 5:9) - "Christ died to save a great diversity of peoples. Sing is not respecter of cultures. All peoples have sinned. Every race and culture needs to be reconciled to God. As the disease of sin is global, so the remedy is global."

To Gather All His Sheep from Around the World (John 11:51-52, John 10:16) - "Jesus suffered and died so that the sheep could hear his voice and live... He gave up his life to gather the sheep. By his blood he bought the mercy that makes his voice unmistakable to his own..."

To Rescue Us from Final Judgment (Hebrews 9:28) - "Sin was dealt with once for all. No new sacrifice is needed. Our shield from future wrath is as sure as the sufferings of Christ in our place."

To Gain His Joy and Ours (Hebrews 12:2) - "If Jesus had not willingly died, neither her nor we could be forever glad. He would have been disobedient. We would have perished in our sings. His joy and ours were acquired at the cross."

So That He Would Be Crowned with Glory and Honor (Hebrews 2:9, Philippians 2:7-9, Revelation 5:12) - "When Jesus died to regain the fullness of his glory, he died for our joy. Love is the labor-whatever the cost-of helping people be enthralled with what will satisfy them most, namely, Jesus Christ. That is how Jesus loves."

To Show That the Worst Evil Is Meant by God for Good (Acts 4:27-28) - "There is not greater sin than to hate and kill the Son of God. There was no greater suffering nor any greater innocence that the suffering and innocence of Christ. Yet God was in it all... The very suffering that we caused became the hope of our salvation."

Lent (part 5)

{via}

Christ suffered & died...

To Free Us from the Futility of Our Ancestry (1 Peter 1:18-19) - "When Christ died, God had a view to the relationship between us and our ancestors. He meant to set us free from the futility we inherited from them. That is one of the great reasons Christ died."

To Free Us from the Slavery of Sin (Revelation 1:5-6, Hebrews 13:12) - "Now, for those who are trusting Christ, the power of God is not in the service of his condemning wrath, but his liberating mercy. God gives us this power for change through the person of his Holy Spirit... May the God of all grace, by faith in Christ, free us from both the guilt and slavery of sin."

That We Might Die to Sin and Live to Righteousness (1 Peter 2:24) - "The beauty of Christ, who loved me and gave himself for me, is the desire of my soul. And his beauty is perfect righteousness. that command that I now love to obey is this: 'Present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness' (Romans 6:13)."

So That We Would Die to the Law and Bear Fruit for God (Romans 7:4) - "We have died to law-keeping so that we might live to fruit-bearing. Fruit grows naturally on a tree. If the tree is good, the fruit will be good. And the tree, in this case, is a living relationship of love to Jesus Christ. For this he died. How he bids us come: Trust Me. Die to the law, that you might bear the fruit of love."

To Enable Us to Live for Christ and Not Ourselves (2 Corinthians 5:15) - "This is love-suffering to give us everlasting enjoyment, namely himself."

To Make His Cross the Ground of All Our Boasting (Galatians 6:14) - "Being dead to the world means that every legitimate pleasure in the world becomes a blood-bought evidence of Christ's love and an occasion of boasting in the cross. When our hearts run back along the beam of blessing to the source in the cross, then the worldliness of the blessing is dead, and Christ crucified is everything."

To Enable Us to Live by Faith in Him (Galatians 2:20) - "From the divine side, Christ is living in us and enabling us to live the way he teaches us to live. It's his work. But from our side, it's experienced by trusting him moment by moment to be with us and help us. The proof that he will be with us and will help us do this is the fact that he suffered and died to make it happen."

p.s. go listen to this song. no, really... do it!

Surrender Update

{via}

Oh, wow... sorry I've been such a slow poke on getting around to writing an update on my little Lenten experiment in surrendering my future to the Lordship of Christ. I honestly do not feel like I can adequately put into words all that I have learned through this season - it has been a bigger undertaking than I anticipated, but the challenge has been so good for me. To sum it up...

Trust takes work
&
I'm bad at it

It has been a daily struggle for me to choose to trust God when everything in me is yearning to yield to worry and control and lists and pursuing things on my own accord. I have clumsily made my way through this fast and have struggled to remain faithful at each and every turn, but God so graciously continues to loosen my grip and is somehow growing me each time I intentionally choose to open my hands in surrender. Here are some of the highlights of what God's been up to in this little heart of mine:

...Change IS coming...

{via}

Change and I have a love-hate relationship... Although it seems to have more of an affection for me that I have for it. As silly as this sounds, one of the biggest things I've been struggling with over the course of this Lenten season is the reality that change is coming. It's coming and there is nothing I can do about it. Somehow I think I previously convinced myself that I had some fraction of control over that... but I'm learning the truth is the exact opposite: it is completely out of my hands. So, whether I choose to take this job, or that job... whether I choose to stay or to go... things will not be the same as they've been for the past 5 years... and that's been a hard pill to swallow. There are things I'm not ready to let go of, things that I fear I cannot live without. Mostly it's just hard for me to picture living life with a different group of people. But over and over in the past couple of weeks, I have been reminded that those I love are choosing to move on and take risks and chase after their dreams... so I need to too. I cannot just put my life on hold in rebellion to upcoming changes. As scary as it may be, change is here and it's time to embrace it!

...What do you want?...

{via}

I was reading through the book of Mark a few weeks back and came across the story of Bartimaeus. At the climax of the story, Jesus asks the blind beggar, “What do you want Me to do for you?," to which Bartimaeus responds, "Rabbi, I want to see." I chewed on this encounter for a good week and felt challenged to answer the same question for myself... As a follower of Christ, what do I want Him to do for me? Why am I choosing to seek Him? What. Do. I. Want. (out of life/my future/my walk of faith)? As I circled back to these questions over and over again, I felt a tangible shift of heart... The words of the blind beggar began to resonate and I realized that what I really want is to see. I want to see Christ at work and see his beauty and life reach a broken and hurting world. I want to experience deep intimacy with my Savior. I want to taste and see that He is good. In His infinite wisdom, the Lord took me through this story to renew my mind and refocus the eyes of my heart... I want to see.

...An Idol Factory...

{via}

"The human heart is an idol factory." - John Calvin

Just when I was feeling settled in figuring out what I want, God began to reveal the fickle nature of my affections. It all started while cleaning my room and listening to this sermon. In it Mark Driscoll points out that, "idolatry is having created people and created things in place of the creator God for ultimate allegiance, value, and worth." Somewhere in between sweeping the floor and sorting out laundry, I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. God really used the truths presented in this sermon to convict me of the idolatry that I've allowed to sink into my heart and life. Idolatry is such a gross word and an even worse thing to find within yourself. I could go on and on about the different things I've been processing through on the topic, but the main thing I've been working on is my struggle to idolize my own experience - I look to richness of experience and significant adventures to save me from a life of mediocrity. I'm coming to see the sinfulness in that - Jesus saves me from a life of mediocrity, not my own life experience. For no matter what heights or mountain top experiences I have, nothing compares to the greatness of knowing and loving Christ. I desperately needed this reminder/kick in the pants.

...Flight Response...

{via}

If you've been reading this little blog for any amount of time, I'm sure you have noticed that my heart is prone to wanderlust. I've always accepted this as a trait that is simply part of who I am. Though I believe that I am wired this way for a specific purpose, I rarely take the time to assess the restlessness and discontentment it can often breed in my life. One ordinary Friday afternoon, on a day when I was particularly struggling with worry and mistrust, Christina looked at me square in the eye and said, "You have this strange flight response... Whenever you're feeling insecure or unstable, you have this tendency to flee, to leave" (gotta love having a friend who will shoot it straight with you, right?!?). I didn't really know how to respond, but the truth she so bravely spoke really penetrated my heart. I've realized that I do this in life, in relationships... I wander, I get up and go. Sometimes it's prompted by pure motives, and other times it's prompted by fear. So the challenge that came along with this humbling realization, is that leaving is not the answer. To be clear, I might pick up and leave SLC in a matter of months. I also might stay right here where I'm at. But the point is that leaving is not the answer to my uncertainties and fears. I need to turn to God for the answer not to those things, not the prospect of a new adventure. I stumbled across a quote that beautifully summarizes the lesson I've been learning, "It is our wisdom to make the best of that which is, for it is seldom that changing our place is mending it" (Matthew Henry).

...In the Same Boat...

Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my sister, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God’s people. - Philemon 1:7


As you all know, this sweet friend came for a visit a few weeks ago... and let me tell you, it could not have come at a better time! On top of all our adventures in SLC, we had a lot of time to talk and pray about life and faith and change and growing up. God used Shannon's wisdom and encouragement to refresh my heart. On the day she left I wrote the following in my journal: "I am feeling so encouraged in this journey. I know that it's all going to turn out as it should. Sometimes it helps to know that someone else is walking through the same thing, is fighting the same battle, and believes the same God is going to come through for her."

...One step at a time...


This last little lesson is, well, just that... little. I've been feeling challenged this week to just take things one step at a time. I know that seems silly, but I have a tendency to look way way too far ahead when I'm making decisions. I weigh out the pros and cons and try to think through the far reaching implications of the decision I'm making, which isn't always a bad thing, but the way I do it can be. I'm learning that I need to make the decisions for what they are - for what I feel is right in that isolated situation - and not worry so much about what they will mean for the rest of my life... I guess sometimes I over analyze and worry that somehow I'm going to miss out on God's will and my dreams in life. I'm slowly learning to trust my hopes for the future to the Lord, knowing that he will be faithful to fulfill the desires of my heart, even though that will likely look different that what I have envisioned... that's what makes this walk of faith an adventure, right?!

Okay, this is officially the longest post. ever. Sorry about that! I hope y'all have a little better picture of what's been swimming around in my little noggin' over the past few weeks. As you can see, I've been processing and learning a lot! The funny thing about this surrender is, I am not even one step closer to having clarity on what my future will look like... I have ZERO direction, but I feel like God has really been using this time to poise and prepare me to be ready to make the decisions I need to make when the time comes. He's priming my heart and it's hard and it's painful but it's SO exciting. I cannot wait to see what he has in store... Dear readers, I continue to ask for your prayers in this season. Pray that God will make his will clear and that I will have the bravery and faith to follow his voice. I love you all... thanks for reading this extra long rambling today!

"And trust is that: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with the worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurance, not spooked by the specters looming ahead. Are stress and worry evidences of a soul too lazy, too undisciplined, to keep gaze fixed on God? To stay in love? I don't like to ask these questions... But this I must ask and do, out loud: Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"

- Ann Voskamp

Lent (part 4)

via

My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.
- Brennan Manning

Christ suffered & died...

To Reconcile Us to God (Romans 5:10) - "He took steps we could not take to remove his own judgment. He sent Christ to suffer in our place... Reconciliation from our side is simply to receive what God has already done, the way we receive an infinitely valuable gift."

To Bring Us to God (1 Peter 3:18, Ephesians 2:13) - "Long before Christ came, God revealed himself as the source of full and lasting pleasure. Then he sent Christ to suffer that he might bring us to God. This means he sent Christ to bring us to the deepest, longest joy a human can have. Hear the invitation: Turn from the fleeting pleasures of sing and come to pleasures forevermore. Come to Christ."

So That We Might Belong to Him (Romans 7:4, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Acts 20:28) - "Christ suffered and died that we might be set free from law and sing and belong to him. Here is where obedience ceases to be a burden and becomes the freedom of fruit-bearing. Remember, you are not your own."

To Give Us Confident Access to the Holiest Place (Hebrews 10:19) - "Without Christ the holiness of God had to be protected from us. He would have been dishonored and we would have been consumed because of our sin. But now, because of Christ, we may come near and feast our hearts on the fullness of the flaming beauty of God's holiness."

To Become for Us the Place Where We Meet God (John 2:19-21) - "When Christ died and rose again, the old temple was replaced by the globally accessible Christ. You may come to him without moving a muscle. He is as close as faith."

To Bring the Old Testament Priesthood to an End and Become the Eternal High Priest (Hebrews 7:23-27, Hebrews 9:24-26, Hebrews 10:11-12) - "There will never be the need for another. There is one mediator between us and God. One priest. We need no other. Oh, how happy are those who draw near to God through Christ alone."

To Become a Sympathetic and Helpful Priest (Hebrews 4:15-16) - "Evidently the thought goes like this: We are likely to feel unwelcome in the presence of God if we come with struggles. We feel God's purity and perfection so keenly that everything about us seems unsuitable in his presence. But then we remember that Jesus is "sympathetic." He feels with us, not against us. This awareness of Christ's sympathy makes us bold to come. He knows our cry. He tasted our struggle. He bids us come with confidence when we feel our need."

Lent (part 3)

{via}

Oh goodness, this Lenten season has been one for the books, dear friends... Despite my wandering affections, Christ remains so consistent in His love for me and continues to prove himself to be endlessly faithful in my life. I promise to write more about my surrender very soon... but today I want to highlight a few more point's from The Passion of Jesus Christ (by John Piper):

Christ suffered & died...

To Bring Us to Faith and Keep Us Faithful (Mark 14:24, Jeremiah 32:40) - "When Christ died, he secured for his people not only new hearts but new security. He will not let them turn from him. He will keep them. They will persevere. The blood of the covenant guarantees it."

To Make us Holy, Blameless, and Perfect (Hebrews 10:14, Colossians 1:22, 1 Corinthians 5:7) - "The suffering of Christ secures our perfection so firmly that it is already now a reality. Therefore, we fight against our sin not simply to become perfect, but because we are. The death of Jesus is key to battling our imperfections on the firm foundation of our perfection."

To Give Us a Clear Conscience (Hebrews 9:14) - "When our conscience rises up and condemns us, where will we turn? We turn to Christ. We turn to the suffering and death of Christ -- the blood of Christ. This is the only cleansing agent in the universe that can give the conscience relief in life and peace in death."

To Obtain for Us All Things That Are Good for Us (Romans 8:32) - "God will meet every real need, including the ability to rejoice in suffering when many felt needs do not get met. God will meet every real need, including the need for grace to hunger when the felt need for food is not met. the suffering and death of Christ guarantee that God will give us all things that we need to do his will and give him glory and to attain everlasting joy."

To Heal Us from Moral and Physical Sickness (Isaiah 53:5, Matthew 8:16-17) - "The way Christ defeated death and disease was by taking them on himself and carrying them with him to the grave... One day all disease will be banished from God's redeemed creation. There will be a new earth. We will have new bodies... And all who love Christ will sing songs of thanks to the Lamb who was slain to redeem us from sin and death and disease."

To Give Eternal Life to All Who Believe on Him (John 3:16) - "So eternal life is not merely the extension of this life with its mix of pain and pleasure. It is supreme and ever-increasing happiness where all sing and all sadness will be gone. All that is evil and harmful in this fallen creation will be removed. All this is good - all that will bring true and lasting happiness - will be preserved and purified and intensified."

To Deliver Us from the Present Evil Age (Galatians 1:4) - "When Christ went to the cross, he set millions of captives free. He unmasked the devil's fraud and broke his power... Don't follow a defeated foe. Follow Christ. It is costly. You will be an exile in this age. But you will be free."

Lent (part 2)

Week 1 of Lent has come and gone. And, oh boy, I am learning so much through it. In one little week, I've seen just how often I fail at surrendering control of my life... But by God's amazing grace, he continues to pursue me and gently helps me to loosen my grip on the things of this world. The things that keep me from worship and keep me from laughter and joy and trust. I am so in awe of my Savior, whose love has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am a piece of work, but he continues to lavish His love upon me all the same. Brennan Manning puts it this way:

“He is not moody or capricious; he knows no seasons of change. He has a single relentless stance toward us: he loves us. He is the only God man has ever heard of who loves sinners. False gods — the gods of human manufacturing — despise sinners, but the Father of Jesus loves all, no matter what they do. But of course this is almost too incredible for us to accept. Nevertheless, the central affirmation of the Reformation stands: through no merit of ours, but by his mercy, we have been restored to a right relationship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of his beloved Son. This is the Good News, the gospel of grace.”

As promised, here are a few more highlights from Piper's book, The Passion of Jesus Christ. May they cause your heart to marvel at the beauty of this humble Savior.

Christ suffered & died...

To Become a Ransom for Many (Mark 10:45) - "No one is excluded from this salvation who embraces the treasure of the ransoming Christ."

For the Forgiveness of Our Sins (Ephesians 1:7, Matthew 26:28) - "The injury done to God's glory by our sin must be repaired so that in justice his glory shines more brightly. And if we criminals are to go free and be forgiven, there must be some dramatic demonstration that the honor of God is upheld even though former blasphemers are being set free. That is why Christ suffered and died."

To Provide the Basis for Our Justification (Romans 5:9, Romans 3:24, Romans 3:28) - "The verdict of justification does not make a person just. It declares a person just... The moral change we undergo when we trust Christ is not justification. The Bible usually calls that sanctification -- the process of becoming good. Justification is not that process. It is not a process at all. It is a declaration that happens in a moment. A verdict: Just! Righteous!"

To Complete the Obedience that Becomes Our Righteousness (Philippians 2:8, Romans 5:19, 2 Corinthians 5:21, Philippians 3:9) - "That means Christ fulfilled all righteousness perfectly; and then that righteousness was reckoned to be mine, when I trusted in him. I was counted righteousness. God looked on Christ's perfect righteousness, and he declared me to be righteous with the righteousness of Christ... May Christ be honored for his whole achievement in suffering and dying! Both the work of pardoning our sing, and the work of providing our righteousness. Let us admire him and treasure him and trust him for this great achievement."

To Take Away Our Condemnation (Romans 8:34) - "If the reject us, he accepts us. If they hate us, he loves us. If they imprison us, he sets our spirits free. If they afflict us, he refines us by fire. If they kill us, he makes it a passage to paradise. They cannot defeat us. Christ has died. Christ is rise. We are alive in him. And in him there is no condemnation."

To Abolish Circumcision and All Rituals as the Basis of Salvation (Galatians 5:11, Galatians 6:12) - "The cross means freedom from the enslavement of ritual."

surrender

{via}

Alright, now for the question of what to give up for Lent... I have played out all the obvious choices in my mind (caffeine, sweets, technology), and all of them seem... I don't know, just kind of small. Not that it's bad to give those things up, I just mean that none of them really have a huge grip on me right now. But as I've thought more on the topic, I do know of something that my heart and mind have been fixed upon - the future. Dreams, excitement, questions, lists, resumes, desires, anxieties... it's all been swimming through this little noggin' of mine. And, in complete honesty, it's been producing some ugly things like doubt and mistrust and fear and worry. So, for Lent this year...

I am giving up my future (+ all that is wrapped up in it)

I shared this thought with my sweet friend Shannon (who just so happens to be visiting me in t-minus 7 days). She too is preparing to graduate and has a whole lot of uncertainty about what life is going to look like after May. With the hope of surrendering our futures to the Lordship of Christ, we concocted up a little plan to put our hope into action. Here's the detailed scheme we came up with:

1. I will not allow myself to ruminate on thoughts/plans/worries about the future
2. I will not write one list in preparation for the future (i'm a chronic list maker, okay?!)
   
3. When a thought about the future does enter my mind, I will briefly write a letter to the Lord in a spirit of submission... Getting the thought out of my mind, onto a piece of paper, and into the hands of God. It will be a running letter - or string of letters - for the next 40+ days.
4. The job hunt will cease and I will commit to praying for God's will to be done and for His provision in the days ahead. When you're fasting from something for long periods of time, it's common to break on Sabbaths, so I will block out one day a week where I will allow myself to search and apply for jobs, if needed and not it excess (while still working on maintaining an attitude of faith and trust).
   
5. I will not discuss my future/plans with other people (So, please hold all questions)
   
6. I will meditate on Proverbs 19:21 daily ("Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the purpose of the Lord that prevails")

I'm not entirely sure what to expect, but I'm just feeling like this is what I'm supposed to surrender during this season. As Shannon so eloquently wrote, "it's basically declaring that God will show up and completely direct the job search [and our futures]. We'll be able to look back an use this a story of God's faithfulness and provision (hopefully) and know He did it all." Amen - that is our hope. To be sure, our intent is not to set our futures aside in order to seek His blessings upon them. Rather, our intent is to set our futures aside in order to seek HIM, all the while trusting that he is working everything out for our good and His glory.

How about you... do you recognize Lent? What are you giving up? I would love to hear about it!

p.s. Sorry for the double post today... don't worry, I don't intent to make a habit of it.
p.p.s. If you didn't get a chance to celebrate Shrove Tuesday, you should definitely think about celebrating in retrospect! I mean, who doesn't love pancake day?!?!

Lent (part 1)

{via}

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of a season called Lent.
Growing up, other than a few friends whining about not eating candy for a month, I never really heard much about Lent. I have had a chance to learn a lot more about it over the past couple of years. Lent is a season devoted to focusing on the beauty of the cross and preparing for Easter. It is a time of self examination, taking an honest look at what hinders the flow of God's spirit in our hearts and lives. Thomas Merton puts it this way,

"The purpose of Lent is not only expiation, to satisfy the divine justice, but above all a preparation to rejoice in His love. And this preparation consists in receiving the gift of His mercy - a gift which we receive insofar as we open our hearts to it. Casting out what cannot remain in the same room with mercy. Now one of the things we must cast out first of all is fear. Fear narrows the little entrance to our heart. It shrinks up our capacity to love. It freezes up our power to give ourselves. If we were terrified of God as an inexorable judge, we would not confidently await His mercy or approach Him trustfully in prayer. Our peace and our joy in Lent are a guarantee of grace."

As I walk through the next 40 days of Lent, I am going to be reading through John Piper's book, The Passion of Jesus Christ. I snagged this little book at a thrift store a few months back and rediscovered it a few days ago. As I was thumbing through its pages, I noticed that it covers 50 different reasons why Christ suffered and died. In the introduction, Piper writes, "When all is said and done, the most crucial question is: Why? Why did Christ suffer and die Not why in the sense of cause, but why in the sense of purpose. What did Christ achieve by his passion? Why did he have to suffer so much? What great thing was happening on Calvary for the world?"

I hope you will read along as I explore the answers to these questions. Each week during the next 40 days or so, I will do my best to post a handful of reasons and excerpts from the book as I make my way through. Here is the first bunch:

Christ suffered & died...

To absorb the wrath of God (Galatians 3:13, Romans 3:25, 1 John 4:10) - "God removes His wrath by providing a substitute. The substitute is provided by God himself. The substitute, Jesus Christ, does not just cancel the wrath; he absorbs it and diverts it from us to himself. God's wrath is just, and it was spent, not withdrawn."

To please His Heavenly Father (Isaiah 53:10, Ephesians 5:2) - "But what is most astonishing about this substitution of Christ for sinners is that it was God's idea... On the one hand, the suffering of Christ is an outpouring of God's wrath because of sin. But on the other hand, Christ's suffering is a beautiful act of submission and obedience to the will of the Father."

To learn obedience and be perfected (Hebrews 5:8, Hebrews 2:10) - "The point is this: If the Son of God had gone from incarnation to the cross without a life of temptation and pain to test high righteousness and his love, he would not be a suitable Savior for fallen man. His suffering not only absorbed the wrath of God. It also fulfilled his true humanity and made him able to call us brothers and sister."

To achieve His own resurrection from the dead (Hebrews 13:20-21) - "What the death of Christ accomplished was so full and so perfect that the resurrection was the reward and vindication of Christ's achievement in death... The point is not that the resurrection is the price paid for our sins. The point is that the resurrection proves that the death of Jesus is an all-sufficient price."

To show the wealth of God's love and grace for sinners (Romans 5:7-8, John 3:16, Ephesians 1:7) - "There is only one explanation for God's sacrifice for us. It is not us. It is "the riches of his crace." It is all free. It is not a response to our worth. It is the overflow of his infinite worth. In fact, that is what divine love is in the end: a passion to enthrall undeserving sinners, at great cost, with what will make us supremely happy forever, namely, his infinite beauty."

To show His own love for us (Ephesians 5:2, Ephesians 5:25, Galatians 2:20) - "Surely this is the way we should understand the sufferings and death of Christ. They have to do with me. They are about Christ's love for me personally. It is my sin that cuts me off from God, not sin in general. In is my hard-heartedness and spiritual numbness that demean the worth of Christ."

To cancel the legal demands of the law against us (Colossians 2:13) - "What a folly it is to think that our good deeds may one day outweigh our bad deeds. There is no salvation by balancing records. There is only salvation by canceling records. The record of our bad dees, along with the just penalties that each deserves, must be blotted out -- not balanced. This is what Christ suffered and died to accomplish."

may it be said of me...

... that my life was lived with this kind of passion:

"Passion is the heart set free to pursue that which is truly worthy. Those who set their hearts on what is most worthy - the glory of God - live with joy-filled abandon. Their hearts are both seized and satisfied with the ambition for Jesus to be ardently worshiped. That love comes to dominate and integrate all other desires so that they live in the freedom of single-minded purpose." - Steven C. Hawthorne

thankful thursdays {17}

I've gone back and forth on whether or not to continue my little project in cultivating thankfulness this semester... I mean, I am sure you all are getting tired of my weekly lists. But by day 3 of my spring semester, I am already seeing that I am going to need to have consistent attitude checks and remind myself of all of the good things in this life. That being said, project: cultivate thankfulness is still open for business here on bright red cords. here's my list for the week...

making it home safely after a great trip down south
deep, honest conversations
feeling refreshed after an amazing winter break
an ordination service for a good friend
news that a friend is adopting a baby in about 4 weeks
unexpected entertainment at the airport
reuniting with the goonies
my last first day of nursing school. ever.
starting my psych nursing course... i just love it
only having 15 credit hours this semester
kickboxing with emily
shopping for school supplies
my dear friend from africa visiting me here in SLC
a fun adventure to Park City
blessings from God's word
yummy thai food

... And I am so incredibly grateful that two years ago today, I boarded a plane for Africa with tear stained eyes and a heart full of expectation. I had no idea then the magnitude that the next 5 months would hold, nor the impact that my experience would have on the rest of the course of my life. So today I am celebrating all God has done, and will continue to do, through the time I spent in Joburg (check out my blogs from that time here).

"... orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes" - David Platt

at the sound of your voice...

{via}

My church recently introduced me to a new song by Aaron Strumpel that has really spoken to my heart. The song is called Resound (listen or buy it here). The lyrics are incredible...

Your word turned darkness into light
You spoke, and brought stars to life
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turned waters into seas
You spoke, and brought oceans to be
And all our days began at the sound of your voice

Your word turns sorrow into joy
You speak, and make my heart explode
And all our days begin at the sound of your voice

Your word turns death into dreams
You speak, and make my eyes to see
And all of our days begin at the sound of your voice

And everything is good
All you do is good
We resound
We testify
When you sound, we resound
When you sound, we resound your praise

Did you catch that line?
"All our days begin at the sound of your voice..."

Wow! This line has been playing through my mind for weeks now. I know in my head that my days are gifted by God and begin by his sovereignty alone, but I've been realizing that I don't really give God much of an opportunity to speak into my life, into my days. I generally just go about my days, living out my own agenda and maybe spend a few minutes reading and praying before I fall on my face in exhaustion.

This needs to change.

I'm not entirely sure what the "game plan" is, but one of my biggest goals for this year is to begin my days by allowing some time for God's voice. I am desiring more time to be in His word and to be before him in prayer. Like I said, not really sure what form this is going to take, but consider this resolution #1 (more to come when I'm back at home).

what are your goals/resolutions for 2011?

one last toast to 2010

i wrote one of these little toasts last year,
and i'm thinking that 2010 deserves at least a toast or two as well...

{via}

to finishing months of physical therapy
to 2 healthy knees
to prayers for Haiti
to nurse geekiness
to finding a new church to call home
to choosing faith that's based on more than feeling
to finding a healthier balance
to being pushed to live a better story
to embracing a little whimsy
to the closing of a chapter
to little summer blitz trips
to divine plans
to big unknowns
to facing fears
to a slow-paced, Midwestern culture
to family away from home
to heart break over mental illness
to fun adventures in new places
to an amazing preceptor
to new friends
to thunderstorms brewing over dark night skies
to learning to get over myself
to asking hard questions
to lessons in listening
to understanding myself better
to a box of letters
to lessons from mr. lewis
to a greater understanding of God's will
to adventures in public transportation
to struggling through doubt, fear, & discontentment
to gaining victory and freedom
to a shift in heart
to tangible change
to experiencing God's joy
to cultivating thankfulness
to resuscitating the blog
to blessed jobs
to the best study buddy a girl could ask for
to my fabulous cohort
to both the good and bad days in nursing school
to sweet little children struggling with cancer
to surviving my maternity rotation
to confronting materialism
to having the "hardest" semester of nursing school under my belt
to living with a bunch of goonies
to my sweet little bucyeneza irene
to growing pains
to a God who refuses to give up on me
to battling insecurity
to restoration and building back
to african refugees
to my wonderful family
to not making plans

to 2010: what blessed year!
i am truly in awe for the journey this year has been
and i'm looking forward to new adventures in 2011.

Mazel Tov!

what are your 2010 highlights?

... with precious stones

{via}

"For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

“O storm-battered city,
troubled and desolate!
I will rebuild you with precious jewels
and make your foundations from lapis lazuli.
I will make your towers of sparkling rubies,
your gates of shining gems,
and your walls of precious stones."

-Isaiah 54:10-12

my little sister and I were sitting in my car the other night talking about what the "themes" of 2010 have been for us. there are so many different things i could name for this year, but the overarching theme is centered around being rebuilt. if i'm honest, i was (and still am) in desperate need of restoration.

it's no secret that 2009 was a toughie for me in a number of ways. it was an incredible year, but left me broken, with pieces of my life that needed some picking up and reworking. 2010 has been just that, a season of picking up those pieces and rebuilding them into something new. God has been in the process of:
softening my heart, where it had grown hard
restoring truths, that had become ridden with doubt
and revealing weaknesses, where i thought i was strong

though it has been a painful process as times, i am confident that i'm walking out of 2010 a different person than who i was walking in. it has been a season of growth and change and big life lessons, but i could not be more grateful. you see, when God builds back, he does so with precious stones... leaving us much more beautiful and whole than where we were on our own. by no means do i claim to have my life figured out... i've just been reflecting a lot on what God has been up to this year. i'm unspeakably grateful for how he's been changing and shaping this little heart of mine.

what were the themes of 2010 for you?

one last toast to 2009

For those of you who want the reader's digest version of this whole update thing, this is the post for you. At the end of every December I like to take time to journal some highlights from the year. Okay, okay... I admit this might be a little weird to read in May of 2010, but I though it would be a good overview of '09 at large. So, without further ado, here is the unedited toast to 2009 from my journal...


To dropping everything.
To living in Africa.
To the undeniable work of God's hand.
To heartbreak.
To opened eyes.
To growing up.
To never too far.
To realized dreams.
To beautiful African babies.
To lessons learned.
To reevaluating tradition.
To wise mentors.
To teammates.
To lovely little letters.
To kindred spirits.
To leaving behind pieces of your heart.
To beautiful reunions.
To (re)learning to be an American.
To hard realities.
To difficulty in ministry.
To junior high girls.
To confronting wrong.
To epic road trips.
To pen pals.
To "glory-strength."
To diet coke dates.
To being uprooted.
To relationship blunders.
To obedience.
To letting go.
To the wait.
To challenge.
To walking through a desert.
To lifelongs.
To getting in.
To unlikely friendships.
To being humbled.
To Veterans.
To wanderlust.
To fueled passion.
To desperation.
To pediatrics.
To where to next?
To my sarge.
To stolen cars being found.
To spontaneous adventures.
To success redefined.
To oceans of grace.
To broken knees being fixed.
To unexpected joys.
To an unforgettable year.

2009: I'll archive you away as a favorite forever. Mazel Tov!
{xo. jarah}

nursing school 101.

Oh, I may seem excited in this picture. And I was. But what you may not see is the intense fear that was sitting in my chest after that first day of nursing school. At our orientation the first thing they said to us was, "Congratulations on getting into the U's Nursing program, now get ready kiss your life goodbye." Gulp. I sat there hoping for someone in the faculty to start laughing, but no one even cracked a smile. "... say goodbye to your friends, your family..." I wish I could say they were exaggerating, but life as I knew it began to change.

I've always spent a lot of time on my schoolwork, but it was taken to a whole new level this year. My first semester consisted of 18 credits: Individual & Family Assessment, Essential Concepts of Nursing, Nursing Skills & Arts, Nursing Management: Drug Therapy, and Pathophysiology II. My textbooks for this semester reached an all time high at over $700. Ew.

That first semester definitely held some amazing experiences (more on that over the next few days). There were lots of nursing milestones during those few short months: first catheter, first shot, first IV, etc... I really enjoyed what I was learning and knew that I was where I was supposed to be. There were times where I really felt the weight of the decision I'd made to go into nursing - like when we learned how to do an emergency tracheotomy or during mock codes. Sometimes it would just hit me that peoples lives were dependent on the decisions I made... that's really heavy stuff and is something I'm still learning to deal with the stress of.

Nursing school is really unique in the sense that you go through 2 years with the same group of people. I loved getting to know my cohort and became really good friends with many of them. It was great to have people to laugh with - a good sense of humor really goes a long way with some of the things you get to deal with as a nurse. And as much as those around me encourage me, there is just nothing like having someone by your side that is going through the same thing. My friend Allie and I became inseparable and held each other up during those rough weeks - so thankful for her!

To be honest, Fall of '09 was one of the most trying seasons I've been through in awhile. After 9 months off, I felt like I had whiplash after being thrown into such a demanding schedule. On top of school, I decided to get a job at Primary Children's, volunteer with the FSC and was somehow surviving on 5 hours or less of sleep a night. I have always been one to have a full schedule... but it was extreme. I rarely saw my roommates and always felt like I was behind on something. I became a walking tornado, I just wasn't satisfied if I wasn't doing something productive. As I look back, it was crazy how fast I went back into machine mode and forgot the things I'd learned just months earlier about taking time for people and slowing down.

{falling asleep at my desk during finals week}

School has always been my thing, but I struggled through that first semester. It was really humbling for me to NOT have it all together. My life was extremely out of balance - it was eating away at me and I knew it. I came to a place where I had to admit my weakness and desperate need for God... he gave me a passage in October that kept me going. It has become my creed for Nursing school...

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not
the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.
It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy,
thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything
bright and beautiful that he has for us. (Colossians 1: 10-12, Message)

With all of my heart I believe that nursing school is what God has for me right now, and even though it's insanely hard at times, it is bright and beautiful (or at least it will be when I'm finished... ha!). I prayed over and over for the "glory strength" that this verse speaks of, and God answered my prayer. He carried me through Fall '09. It was hard, but I made it! God began to reshape my view of success during that time too - he reminded me that he had called me into nursing so I could show His love to the broken and burdened. I managed to pull pretty good grades, but it mattered less to me than it ever has before. I still struggle to keep things in balance, but now I aim to gauge my success on how well I'm loving my patients and those around me rather than on my grades.

If you've made it all the way to this point, I'm truly impressed. I apologize that this post ended up being so long... lots of lessons in that first semester. There were times that I swore it was going to kill me, but on this side of things I can see I'm stronger for it. Sorry I was such a recluse, I love you all for standing by me through it.

{xo. jarah}

an exquisite pain...

Happy monday, dear friends! It's among the most bittersweet of days - we only have one week left here in Johannesburg before we set out to debrief. I am so looking forward to being able to see everyone back at home, but the thought of leaving is hard for me to swallow.

This morning in our last team meeting, Phyllis described the sacrifice of a missionary as an "exquisite pain." No matter how humbly we may have to live or how many comforts we have to give up, the greatest sacrifice comes each time we board a plane. It is never easy to leave those you love. My departure from the States was difficult, but I knew that I was going to return. As I am preparing to leave South Africa, my heart has grown so heavy knowing it is highly possible I will never see these people again.

The pain of leaving can be described as "exquisite" because it's accompanied by a certain beauty - knowing that somehow you will never be the same because of the people you came to love and the lessons you learned in the most unexpected of places. Leaving is definitely going to be difficult, but not devoid of joy or blessing.

Please continue to pray for us as we say our goodbyes... Pray that we will be able to have good closure, pointing others to the God who lives in us. Pray that we will be able to remember that we are one link, just one small piece, in God's plans for the lives of the people here - ask God to help us to trust him to continue to grow them and keep them strong long after our departure.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Jarah

oh, how I'm going to miss these endless games of peek-a-boo

you never said it would be easy, you only said i'd never go alone...

Happy Monday! We had another very full week... it's been difficult emotionally as we are trying to balance intentionality and boldness in our relationships with good closure. There have definitely been days where my heart has been very heavy, but God is good and has been covering me with His grace.I am short on time but here are some quick highlights from the past week:

• One of the security guards from our apartment complex came to church with us on Sunday night... we have had a great time getting to know him. You can pray for us as we continue to reach out to him (His name is Matthew).
  
• We were able to visit Nelson Mandela Square in Sandton
  
• One of our older youth, Iswamo, led the Sunday morning Bible study time. It was awesome to see his excitement for learning how to facilitate and teach a Bible study. He taught on Moses and did a great job. I am so proud of him!
• The kiddos at the orphanage singing "Jesus Loves Me" and "Rise & Shine."
• I had some great one-on-one time with some of the girls in our youth group... I cannot tell you how much I enjoy mentoring them!
• Melodie's goodbye party
• Sushi with Stacie and the Greenstone girls (Nikki & Amanda)

Here are some pictures... we were finally able to bring our cameras to the orphanage, so I included a few shots of their sweet faces.

Amanda, Melodie & myself at Nelson Mandela Square

Brandon

Tiny

Nompele (I want to take her home with me!)

We only have 3 weeks left at Lyndhurst before we head out to debrief. Please continue to pray that we will finish well and continue to keep our eyes fixed upon Christ. I will probably not be able to write next week... a group of us are taking a 3 day trip to Pilansburg (a game park a few hours away).

Wishing you the happiest of weeks,

Jarah

p.s. Happy Birthday, Kaitlyn & Josh... Happy Mother's Day, sweet momma

Hebrews 12:1-2

Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith...

for in Him we live and move and exist

Sanibona! Hey everyone! I am sitting in the business lounge at the conference center where I've spent the last 5 days. We have been in meetings all week long for the IMB's Annual Mission Team Meeting (AMTM). It has definitely been an interesting week - I have learned a lot about this organization and the restructuring that's currently going on. So much of the financial and logistical information is over my head. It has definitely opened my eyes to the reality of being a full-time missionary; it's not as romantic as one might think. I truly have been so blessed and encouraged to be able to spend some quality time with the other missionaries serving in southern Africa. It has been incredible to be able to hear their stories; both their struggles and victories are a beautiful testament to God's provision and faithfulness. I have been blessed by their humility and the strength of their faith.

It's also really been beautiful to see the sense of family that is evident among the missionaries here. It seems as if I have had a small glimpse into what Christ was talking about in Mark 10:29-31 when he says, "Yes, I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, property - along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life. But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be greatest then."

Overall, it has been such an awesome week! We have been able to catch up with our Hands-on friends that we met at orientation. It has been great to hear about what God has done in their time in Botswana and Pietermaritzburg. Sometimes the stories that we hear from the mission field can become commonplace, but I have found myself overwhelmed with the goodness of the Lord and what he's doing on this continent. I truly stand amazed!!!

My time here is so very short... I only have 6 weeks left! That does not at all seem possible! Please continue to pray for us in these remaining weeks - we definitely have some tough things ahead. Pray that we will continue to walk in the Spirit and look to the Lord in all things!

Sizobonana!

Jarah

p.s. The elections are being held in South Africa this Wednesday. Our safety should not be a huge concern, but please pray for a peaceful and calm election day!!!

i love you all.