snail speed

First, let me start off by saying that I don't really have a clear direction in mind as I sit down to write this post. All I know is that my writing has been a little sparse lately. Sorry about that. Well, it has been about a month and a half since I packed up my car and headed out for a new adventure on the East Coast (can you believe that? where, oh, where does the time go?). I can honestly say that I am just beginning to feel like myself again. I've spent the past number of weeks feeling incredibly overwhelmed and out-of-sorts. My head has been foggy with all of the changes that have taken place in nearly every part of my life. It has taken a lot of adjusting and it has been tough. Really tough. But really great too.

During my college years I left home a number of times for various adventures (working at summer camp, 6 months in Africa, interning in Minnesota, etc). Getting used to new places kind of became a norm, and though it came with challenges, the adjustment never seemed to be too difficult. This experience has proved to be entirely different. I recognize a big part of that can be attributed to the fact that every time I left previously, it was for a set period of time and was highly organized/programmed. This time I have moved my entire life to a new place, without any specific network of people or a known ending date. There is no one here telling me where to be or who to interact with or where I'll spend my time. It's just little ole me... in a big ole city... with a whole lot to figure out about life.

I've found myself growing impatient with the process of settling into a new place, a new life. The changes in my world came at me like a speeding bullet as I transplanted to NC, but the pace of change within me, in my heart and way of life, seems to be moving at a snail speed. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that that's how it's supposed to be. Life takes work... a lot of it. My momma continues to remind me (almost daily) that "these things take time," and that I'm "not supposed to have it all figured out right now." I guess my expectations can be a little unrealistic. The things that I desire - genuine community, deep friendships, missional lifestyle, spiritual discipline, healthy habits, personal & professional growth, maturity, well-roundedness, ever-deeper union with Christ, expanded abilities & hobbies, travel & adventure - well, they just take time. And they are all wonderful things that are worth spending a life on. That's right, a whole life. There are no short cuts or accelerated paths.

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So, I guess I'm learning to give myself some grace. Right now the growth and change in my life involves learning how to sleep during the day, work insanely long hours, drive without getting completely lost, keep up with old friendships while making new ones, and love on terminally ill kiddos. Certainly that's more than enough to fill one's plate. And by God's grace, that is the portion I've been given right now.

Moving 2,300 miles from home is surely a fresh start of sorts. I guess somewhere deep down I thought that moving would jumpstart some radical change in me. That may prove to be true in some respects, but the same struggles and sins and weaknesses that I had at home did not get left behind or sold at a yard sale. Much to my dismay, I'm a still well-acquainted with those things. I recently tripped across a quote by M. Henry that says, "It is seldom that changing our place is mending it." Oh, the wisdom in those words... The beautiful thing is, God doesn't expect me to have it all figured out... He just asks that I walk with Him through all the crazy twist and turns in this life. He is the only one that can truly bring about any lasting change on this earth and in this heart. And I know that he will bring about changes in me... in His time.

I guess change is slow sometimes. And that's okay. Praise God for the journey. I am so glad I don't have to take it alone.

"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." - John 15:5 (Message)

i (am//not) ready

...i am NOT ready...
to be a real life grown up
to part ways with my nursing school cohort (i'm pretty attached)
to give up my tendency to wander and travel
to pay for things like health insurance
to move out of the house i've called home for the past 3+ years
to do life without my roomies, who are more like sisters
to work 40+ hours/week
to leave behind the whimsy that college life affords
to settle down into a career, or really settle into anything
to leave, but i suppose i'm not ready to stay either

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...i AM ready...
to have silverware in the silverware drawer
to quit jumping through hoops in the academic world
to say goodbye to nursing care plans
to bury my nose in a book of my choosing
to spend my time investing in things i really care about
not to be flat broke all the time
for a change of scenery, and of pace
to leave behind the college-kid diet
to live my life outside the bounds of a syllabus
to get more sleep on a regular basis
to go more than 2 weeks without my car being broken into

Surrender Update

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Oh, wow... sorry I've been such a slow poke on getting around to writing an update on my little Lenten experiment in surrendering my future to the Lordship of Christ. I honestly do not feel like I can adequately put into words all that I have learned through this season - it has been a bigger undertaking than I anticipated, but the challenge has been so good for me. To sum it up...

Trust takes work
&
I'm bad at it

It has been a daily struggle for me to choose to trust God when everything in me is yearning to yield to worry and control and lists and pursuing things on my own accord. I have clumsily made my way through this fast and have struggled to remain faithful at each and every turn, but God so graciously continues to loosen my grip and is somehow growing me each time I intentionally choose to open my hands in surrender. Here are some of the highlights of what God's been up to in this little heart of mine:

...Change IS coming...

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Change and I have a love-hate relationship... Although it seems to have more of an affection for me that I have for it. As silly as this sounds, one of the biggest things I've been struggling with over the course of this Lenten season is the reality that change is coming. It's coming and there is nothing I can do about it. Somehow I think I previously convinced myself that I had some fraction of control over that... but I'm learning the truth is the exact opposite: it is completely out of my hands. So, whether I choose to take this job, or that job... whether I choose to stay or to go... things will not be the same as they've been for the past 5 years... and that's been a hard pill to swallow. There are things I'm not ready to let go of, things that I fear I cannot live without. Mostly it's just hard for me to picture living life with a different group of people. But over and over in the past couple of weeks, I have been reminded that those I love are choosing to move on and take risks and chase after their dreams... so I need to too. I cannot just put my life on hold in rebellion to upcoming changes. As scary as it may be, change is here and it's time to embrace it!

...What do you want?...

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I was reading through the book of Mark a few weeks back and came across the story of Bartimaeus. At the climax of the story, Jesus asks the blind beggar, “What do you want Me to do for you?," to which Bartimaeus responds, "Rabbi, I want to see." I chewed on this encounter for a good week and felt challenged to answer the same question for myself... As a follower of Christ, what do I want Him to do for me? Why am I choosing to seek Him? What. Do. I. Want. (out of life/my future/my walk of faith)? As I circled back to these questions over and over again, I felt a tangible shift of heart... The words of the blind beggar began to resonate and I realized that what I really want is to see. I want to see Christ at work and see his beauty and life reach a broken and hurting world. I want to experience deep intimacy with my Savior. I want to taste and see that He is good. In His infinite wisdom, the Lord took me through this story to renew my mind and refocus the eyes of my heart... I want to see.

...An Idol Factory...

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"The human heart is an idol factory." - John Calvin

Just when I was feeling settled in figuring out what I want, God began to reveal the fickle nature of my affections. It all started while cleaning my room and listening to this sermon. In it Mark Driscoll points out that, "idolatry is having created people and created things in place of the creator God for ultimate allegiance, value, and worth." Somewhere in between sweeping the floor and sorting out laundry, I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. God really used the truths presented in this sermon to convict me of the idolatry that I've allowed to sink into my heart and life. Idolatry is such a gross word and an even worse thing to find within yourself. I could go on and on about the different things I've been processing through on the topic, but the main thing I've been working on is my struggle to idolize my own experience - I look to richness of experience and significant adventures to save me from a life of mediocrity. I'm coming to see the sinfulness in that - Jesus saves me from a life of mediocrity, not my own life experience. For no matter what heights or mountain top experiences I have, nothing compares to the greatness of knowing and loving Christ. I desperately needed this reminder/kick in the pants.

...Flight Response...

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If you've been reading this little blog for any amount of time, I'm sure you have noticed that my heart is prone to wanderlust. I've always accepted this as a trait that is simply part of who I am. Though I believe that I am wired this way for a specific purpose, I rarely take the time to assess the restlessness and discontentment it can often breed in my life. One ordinary Friday afternoon, on a day when I was particularly struggling with worry and mistrust, Christina looked at me square in the eye and said, "You have this strange flight response... Whenever you're feeling insecure or unstable, you have this tendency to flee, to leave" (gotta love having a friend who will shoot it straight with you, right?!?). I didn't really know how to respond, but the truth she so bravely spoke really penetrated my heart. I've realized that I do this in life, in relationships... I wander, I get up and go. Sometimes it's prompted by pure motives, and other times it's prompted by fear. So the challenge that came along with this humbling realization, is that leaving is not the answer. To be clear, I might pick up and leave SLC in a matter of months. I also might stay right here where I'm at. But the point is that leaving is not the answer to my uncertainties and fears. I need to turn to God for the answer not to those things, not the prospect of a new adventure. I stumbled across a quote that beautifully summarizes the lesson I've been learning, "It is our wisdom to make the best of that which is, for it is seldom that changing our place is mending it" (Matthew Henry).

...In the Same Boat...

Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my sister, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God’s people. - Philemon 1:7


As you all know, this sweet friend came for a visit a few weeks ago... and let me tell you, it could not have come at a better time! On top of all our adventures in SLC, we had a lot of time to talk and pray about life and faith and change and growing up. God used Shannon's wisdom and encouragement to refresh my heart. On the day she left I wrote the following in my journal: "I am feeling so encouraged in this journey. I know that it's all going to turn out as it should. Sometimes it helps to know that someone else is walking through the same thing, is fighting the same battle, and believes the same God is going to come through for her."

...One step at a time...


This last little lesson is, well, just that... little. I've been feeling challenged this week to just take things one step at a time. I know that seems silly, but I have a tendency to look way way too far ahead when I'm making decisions. I weigh out the pros and cons and try to think through the far reaching implications of the decision I'm making, which isn't always a bad thing, but the way I do it can be. I'm learning that I need to make the decisions for what they are - for what I feel is right in that isolated situation - and not worry so much about what they will mean for the rest of my life... I guess sometimes I over analyze and worry that somehow I'm going to miss out on God's will and my dreams in life. I'm slowly learning to trust my hopes for the future to the Lord, knowing that he will be faithful to fulfill the desires of my heart, even though that will likely look different that what I have envisioned... that's what makes this walk of faith an adventure, right?!

Okay, this is officially the longest post. ever. Sorry about that! I hope y'all have a little better picture of what's been swimming around in my little noggin' over the past few weeks. As you can see, I've been processing and learning a lot! The funny thing about this surrender is, I am not even one step closer to having clarity on what my future will look like... I have ZERO direction, but I feel like God has really been using this time to poise and prepare me to be ready to make the decisions I need to make when the time comes. He's priming my heart and it's hard and it's painful but it's SO exciting. I cannot wait to see what he has in store... Dear readers, I continue to ask for your prayers in this season. Pray that God will make his will clear and that I will have the bravery and faith to follow his voice. I love you all... thanks for reading this extra long rambling today!

"And trust is that: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with the worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurance, not spooked by the specters looming ahead. Are stress and worry evidences of a soul too lazy, too undisciplined, to keep gaze fixed on God? To stay in love? I don't like to ask these questions... But this I must ask and do, out loud: Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"

- Ann Voskamp

surrender

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Alright, now for the question of what to give up for Lent... I have played out all the obvious choices in my mind (caffeine, sweets, technology), and all of them seem... I don't know, just kind of small. Not that it's bad to give those things up, I just mean that none of them really have a huge grip on me right now. But as I've thought more on the topic, I do know of something that my heart and mind have been fixed upon - the future. Dreams, excitement, questions, lists, resumes, desires, anxieties... it's all been swimming through this little noggin' of mine. And, in complete honesty, it's been producing some ugly things like doubt and mistrust and fear and worry. So, for Lent this year...

I am giving up my future (+ all that is wrapped up in it)

I shared this thought with my sweet friend Shannon (who just so happens to be visiting me in t-minus 7 days). She too is preparing to graduate and has a whole lot of uncertainty about what life is going to look like after May. With the hope of surrendering our futures to the Lordship of Christ, we concocted up a little plan to put our hope into action. Here's the detailed scheme we came up with:

1. I will not allow myself to ruminate on thoughts/plans/worries about the future
2. I will not write one list in preparation for the future (i'm a chronic list maker, okay?!)
   
3. When a thought about the future does enter my mind, I will briefly write a letter to the Lord in a spirit of submission... Getting the thought out of my mind, onto a piece of paper, and into the hands of God. It will be a running letter - or string of letters - for the next 40+ days.
4. The job hunt will cease and I will commit to praying for God's will to be done and for His provision in the days ahead. When you're fasting from something for long periods of time, it's common to break on Sabbaths, so I will block out one day a week where I will allow myself to search and apply for jobs, if needed and not it excess (while still working on maintaining an attitude of faith and trust).
   
5. I will not discuss my future/plans with other people (So, please hold all questions)
   
6. I will meditate on Proverbs 19:21 daily ("Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the purpose of the Lord that prevails")

I'm not entirely sure what to expect, but I'm just feeling like this is what I'm supposed to surrender during this season. As Shannon so eloquently wrote, "it's basically declaring that God will show up and completely direct the job search [and our futures]. We'll be able to look back an use this a story of God's faithfulness and provision (hopefully) and know He did it all." Amen - that is our hope. To be sure, our intent is not to set our futures aside in order to seek His blessings upon them. Rather, our intent is to set our futures aside in order to seek HIM, all the while trusting that he is working everything out for our good and His glory.

How about you... do you recognize Lent? What are you giving up? I would love to hear about it!

p.s. Sorry for the double post today... don't worry, I don't intent to make a habit of it.
p.p.s. If you didn't get a chance to celebrate Shrove Tuesday, you should definitely think about celebrating in retrospect! I mean, who doesn't love pancake day?!?!

A.A.

2 Things:
I am NOT an alcoholic.
But I did go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

One of my recent nursing school adventures included attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. It was a really eye opening experience for me. I wish I could express how incredibly grateful I am that this organization exists... so many people are finding healing and hope through their well known 12-step program and support groups. I feel so privileged that I had the chance to sit in and hear their stories. I left feeling so encouraged that people really can change... the journey may be messy, but there is always [always] hope.

One thing is for sure, that may have been the tightest community of people that I have ever been around. And the most welcoming too. Seriously, before I even sat down I had 5 people come up to me to introduce themselves and start conversations. They were more vulnerable and honest and welcoming than any church group I have ever been around. I apologize if that offends you, but it's true (at least in my experience). You know, I think Jesus was on to something with His habit of hanging around people that struggled with things like alcoholism and addiction. I saw something really beautiful in this group of people. Maybe it was their desperation for change and healing. Maybe it was the humble common ground they shared - knowing that no one there had things figured out. I guess I cannot exactly put my finger on it, but I left feeling like I'd learned a big lesson from the people in that group. A lesson in humility and openness and acceptance and love and hope and transparency.

By the end of the meeting I felt like I had a confessional statement of my own to share... "Hi, my name is Jarah and I struggle with pride and piety and fear and insecurity. So, in a lot of ways, you all have more figured out than I do." In hindsight, I suppose it was my pride that kept me from saying it. I wish I would've.

I would like to challenge you to attend an open A.A. meeting. Yes you. I will warn you though, you will leave much more uncomfortable than you came. But not for the reasons you might think. If you allow it to penetrate your heart, it will challenge you in some really significant areas of your life.

Okay, getting off my soap box now... As always, thanks for reading the ramblings of this motely character.

what's next?

oh, this may be the most feared question of every college student preparing to graduate. it's definitely one i've been dodging for the past few months. now that i've entered my last semester of college (holla!) i have been absolutely bombarded. i am going to let all of you bright red cords readers in on a little secret here...

I don't know yet.

it's a big fat question mark... and that's okay!

the decisions i'll be making in the next few months feel really big and scary right now. but they're also incredibly exciting... I mean, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I could potentially be anywhere in the world at this time next year, but with endless opportunity comes the hurculean task of choosing what I want to pursue... here are some ideas I'm bouncing around right now:

[1] Nurse Residency Program: considering applying for positions at Duke Medical Center (North Carolina), Vanderbilt Medical Center (Tennessee) and Primary Children's Medical Center (Utah)

[2] Travel, travel, travel (anywhere and everywhere)

[3] Go to graduate school

[4] Move to Africa for awhile

[5] Stay in Salt Lake and find a job

[6] Go to seminary

[7] Intern/find a job with a non-profit

[8] Move to Cali and become a beach bum (okay, maybe I'm not really considering this one)

[9] Accept a job offer at Mayo Clinic in Minnesota

[10] Help a good friend start her non-profit

etc... etc... etc...

"The man or woman who is wholly and joyously surrendered to Christ can't make a wrong choice... any choice will be the right one." - A.W. Tozer

I'm finding hope in these words today, knowing that it's not so much about the choice, but following God in whatever choice is made... (*note to self: remember this when you start freaking out!). I'll keep you updated as I go along...

what an exciting adventure, this life!

... with precious stones

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"For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

“O storm-battered city,
troubled and desolate!
I will rebuild you with precious jewels
and make your foundations from lapis lazuli.
I will make your towers of sparkling rubies,
your gates of shining gems,
and your walls of precious stones."

-Isaiah 54:10-12

my little sister and I were sitting in my car the other night talking about what the "themes" of 2010 have been for us. there are so many different things i could name for this year, but the overarching theme is centered around being rebuilt. if i'm honest, i was (and still am) in desperate need of restoration.

it's no secret that 2009 was a toughie for me in a number of ways. it was an incredible year, but left me broken, with pieces of my life that needed some picking up and reworking. 2010 has been just that, a season of picking up those pieces and rebuilding them into something new. God has been in the process of:
softening my heart, where it had grown hard
restoring truths, that had become ridden with doubt
and revealing weaknesses, where i thought i was strong

though it has been a painful process as times, i am confident that i'm walking out of 2010 a different person than who i was walking in. it has been a season of growth and change and big life lessons, but i could not be more grateful. you see, when God builds back, he does so with precious stones... leaving us much more beautiful and whole than where we were on our own. by no means do i claim to have my life figured out... i've just been reflecting a lot on what God has been up to this year. i'm unspeakably grateful for how he's been changing and shaping this little heart of mine.

what were the themes of 2010 for you?

nursing school 201.

I know what you're thinking... "Oh good, another post about nursing school." I don't blame you if you don't want to read another one, but I did promise you a full update. Don't worry, this one is not nearly as bleak as the first. In fact, there is a pretty stark difference between my first and second semester of nursing school. It's not necessarily that things got easier. Actually, my spring semester was a little more rigorous academically. I actually think it was me who had changed.

{me in OR garb after watching a brain surgery}

My schedule was still insanely busy... I had to take 17 credit hours: Global/Community Epidemiology, Nursing Care of Adults, Nursing Care of Adults Clincal, Nursing Research and Cultural Competency/Mutual Respect. Here's the stack of books for my classes this Spring... not quite as intense, although, it's always a bad sign when your text book contains volumes (Medical-Surgical Nursing)!

I still spent a good majority of my time on school work, but my life had better balance to it. Maybe it was because I was "in the groove" from the fall, but I think a lot of it has to do with the conscious decisions I made to stop myself from becoming consumed. I had to learn when enough was enough. I actually had time to spend with friends on Friday nights, and was able to make it to the gym more often. I went to a few movies and spent a lot more time with my family. There were occasions when things got out of balance, but I was faster to notice that tension in myself and take steps to keep things in check.

My clinical group was, yet again, amazing. I absolutely loved my clinical instructor (Melody), I learned so much from her and really appreciated her approach to teaching.


We were at The University of Utah Hospital and had the chance to work on various units: Neuro Critical Care, Surgical Specialty and Transplant Unit, Ortho Trauma and Surgical Services, and many different Operating Rooms. It was a big time of growth clinically - I still have a lot to learn, but am feeling more and more confident as a nurse. Sometimes it seems like that day will never come, but I'm starting to see a small light at the end of the tunnel. It's crazy to think that I've already made it through my first year! It was so full, but also went by so quickly. Only one year to go! And one year sounds so much better than two, right?!?

{xo. jarah}