Oh, I may seem excited in this picture. And I was. But what you may not see is the intense fear that was sitting in my chest after that first day of nursing school. At our orientation the first thing they said to us was, "Congratulations on getting into the U's Nursing program, now get ready kiss your life goodbye." Gulp. I sat there hoping for someone in the faculty to start laughing, but no one even cracked a smile. "... say goodbye to your friends, your family..." I wish I could say they were exaggerating, but life as I knew it began to change.
I've always spent a lot of time on my schoolwork, but it was taken to a whole new level this year. My first semester consisted of 18 credits: Individual & Family Assessment, Essential Concepts of Nursing, Nursing Skills & Arts, Nursing Management: Drug Therapy, and Pathophysiology II. My textbooks for this semester reached an all time high at over $700. Ew.
That first semester definitely held some amazing experiences (more on that over the next few days). There were lots of nursing milestones during those few short months: first catheter, first shot, first IV, etc... I really enjoyed what I was learning and knew that I was where I was supposed to be. There were times where I really felt the weight of the decision I'd made to go into nursing - like when we learned how to do an emergency tracheotomy or during mock codes. Sometimes it would just hit me that peoples lives were dependent on the decisions I made... that's really heavy stuff and is something I'm still learning to deal with the stress of.
Nursing school is really unique in the sense that you go through 2 years with the same group of people. I loved getting to know my cohort and became really good friends with many of them. It was great to have people to laugh with - a good sense of humor really goes a long way with some of the things you get to deal with as a nurse. And as much as those around me encourage me, there is just nothing like having someone by your side that is going through the same thing. My friend Allie and I became inseparable and held each other up during those rough weeks - so thankful for her!
To be honest, Fall of '09 was one of the most trying seasons I've been through in awhile. After 9 months off, I felt like I had whiplash after being thrown into such a demanding schedule. On top of school, I decided to get a job at Primary Children's, volunteer with the FSC and was somehow surviving on 5 hours or less of sleep a night. I have always been one to have a full schedule... but it was extreme. I rarely saw my roommates and always felt like I was behind on something. I became a walking tornado, I just wasn't satisfied if I wasn't doing something productive. As I look back, it was crazy how fast I went back into machine mode and forgot the things I'd learned just months earlier about taking time for people and slowing down.
{falling asleep at my desk during finals week}
School has always been my thing, but I struggled through that first semester. It was really humbling for me to NOT have it all together. My life was extremely out of balance - it was eating away at me and I knew it. I came to a place where I had to admit my weakness and desperate need for God... he gave me a passage in October that kept me going. It has become my creed for Nursing school...
As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not
the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.
It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy,
thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything
bright and beautiful that he has for us. (Colossians 1: 10-12, Message)
With all of my heart I believe that nursing school is what God has for me right now, and even though it's insanely hard at times, it is bright and beautiful (or at least it will be when I'm finished... ha!). I prayed over and over for the "glory strength" that this verse speaks of, and God answered my prayer. He carried me through Fall '09. It was hard, but I made it! God began to reshape my view of success during that time too - he reminded me that he had called me into nursing so I could show His love to the broken and burdened. I managed to pull pretty good grades, but it mattered less to me than it ever has before. I still struggle to keep things in balance, but now I aim to gauge my success on how well I'm loving my patients and those around me rather than on my grades.
If you've made it all the way to this point, I'm truly impressed. I apologize that this post ended up being so long... lots of lessons in that first semester. There were times that I swore it was going to kill me, but on this side of things I can see I'm stronger for it. Sorry I was such a recluse, I love you all for standing by me through it.
{xo. jarah}
{me in OR garb after watching a brain surgery}
